I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
