the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
