WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
