i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
