I can tuck mytits in my pants
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
