Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
