and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
