If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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