Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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