So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
