So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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