I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
