He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
is wine microwaveable?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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