next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dicks are not precious.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
