Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
