I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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