I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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