a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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