i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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