The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Welp...herpes.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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