I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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