sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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