i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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