life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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