smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
