My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
