sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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