Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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