They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
