I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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