I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
