my phone needs a breathalizer
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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