Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
