My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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