Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
