My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
