Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
