I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
