i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
