remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Walk of Shame today included voting.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
