I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
