He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
