Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
