When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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