I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
