we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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