Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
