sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
