I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
