I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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