so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
