if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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